Your email address will not be published. I love her. My beliefs are that I cannot step outside my marriage and commitment and it cost me some very good relationships with other women. I told her that men my age generally took longer to orgasm and for sex to be mutually enjoyable, we both needed to have pleasure. Ive even had the gumption to suggest that if HE doesnt desire sex, then maybe he could still give me pleasure. Im a 68, fun, attractive, domestic woman who loves intimacy. If you build sex up to be a giant deal, youre putting pressure on both you and your wife. That leads to no communication and uselessness. "Some of the pressure comes from the idea that you 'should' be having sex. I dont know if thats whats happening for her, and of course the only way to know is to ask her. My wife weight has ballooned once the kids were born (25 years ago) And she has never wanted to lose it but just accept it. Hey Mike, I dont think you need a woman, I dont think drugs and orgasm are the best ways to deal with the pain dealt to you by the tragic loss of your loved one. What shes done to me all these years was downright evil ! If his wife doesn't want to meet those needs, she should support him getting them met elsewhere or just set him free . If the sex is all about you, its no surprise that your partner may not want to indulge in it. Ive considered a fuck-buddy, but I cant do that to her. And feel that what ls what the real problem ls ,should l just exsept this he said lt to uncomfortable to have sex due to his prostate he never touches me l own the house but now he says he wants to put lt ln a trust ,as lf l die he gets lt and visa versa can u help me ,he hates talking about lt but made lt clear lt was not me but his prostate he ls also on. I cant live another 30 years with him like thus. Does your wife feel seen and heard in the relationship, or is she never in the mood because she usually feels overlooked? I do most of the household chores, she doesnt work outside the home, and hasnt since weve been married i constantly compliment her looks,I have been striving for decades to woo her, and sex is now completely off the table, and she wont even cuddle or kiss. Could it be that your wife avoids intimacy and shuns the idea of making love? Feeling loved and getting affection, including sex is important to me. Let the in-laws or best friend care for your children for a day or two. At your age, dont run until you exhaust all your options. I cant say all women are like this but the handful I have been with do not talk about what feels good to them or what they would like me to do and/or do differently. You cant really blame her, can you? She asked me to get castrated because Sex is hurting her. That had bee. The man must rule by demanding to get what he wants. Or simplify it by bringing home her favorite wine and dining on your patio after the kids are in bed. Fun-loving, Honest and Straightforward. She said, YOU WILL LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN?! Nobody tells you about this stuff in premarital counseling I love her. OATS and Senior Planet are charitable affiliates of AARP: | Terms of Service | Privacy Policy. But did you notice that men have to make the first move? . I havent yet but I am going to find sex outside my home. Thank you Jeff! . Its easy to see why such discord will eventually manifest itself in the bedroom. No intimacy!!! What r u holding on for?! When we were young, we had sex every single day. It's possible that your wife is no longer attracted to you or perhaps no longer interested in being married to youthough just note, a lowered libido alone is not necessarily indicative of a larger problem with the relationship. Susan!!! This is the best I have read. Here are some possible openings finesse one or more of these to fit your comfort and style: I strongly suggest that you see a sex therapist (find one in your location) or a sex-savvy counselor for guidance. It can be helpful to have this conversation with the help of a sexuality professional, such as a sex therapist or coach. He shows no interest or emotional desire to engage in sex or affection. Introspect a little and see how invested you are in her pleasure. 5 Marriage Problems That Most Couples Face And Their Solutions, My Wife Is Not Interested In Sex And Sometimes It Feels Like I Am Having It With A Dead Body. But you cant fix a problem if you dont know the cause. There is one other medical condition relating to touch called allodynia. Hello Hawkeye If your wife wont have sex, it could be that she just doesnt feel close to you anymore, and the idea of being intimate makes her feel too vulnerable. Lifes too damn short for no pleasure. She doesnt complain about helping me out but intercourse is quite painful for her and I dont want to press it if shes in pain. I had a client recently who was so angry at her spouse, she said she didnt want to have any physical intimacy with her husband, If he wants to get divorced, let him get divorced, she said. What is the point of being married if there is no intimacy? If your wife is pregnant or has had a baby in the last year, it could be a mix of pure exhaustion and wild hormones that are causing her libido to be off kilter. Most women who go through postpartum depression also find it increasingly difficult to get physically involved. yeah, in the case of some women, there may be some other things going on w/ the bodywho knows. Your Wife Seems Uncomfortable When You Initiate Foreplay. A free doctor approved gut health guide featuring shopping lists, recipes, and tips. I live in my garage, shop, apartment and happy as clam no yelling and name calling. I know that there are reasons for everything, hell it could be my fault, but it is just so frustrating. Expert Lists 13 Reasons, 43 Romantic Date Night Ideas For Married Couples, 44 Unique Birthday Wishes For Husband To Convey Your Love, 33 Most Romantic Things To Do For Your Wife, The Best 51 Anniversary Wishes For Husband, 6 Facts That Sum Up The Purpose Of Marriage. Why would he ever have too? These promises went on for three years and sex dwindled to once a week, once a month then stopped altogether. If that's true for your marriage, your wife may be holding onto some resentment over the imbalance. Dont fool yourself into thinking that what you say or how you say it will somehow turn her back on. Mostly sexless for ten years and when I talk to her she just says, Im not attracted to you anymore, so get a girlfriend. About ten months ago she started yelling at me whenever I put my arms around her. I am fine with him pleasuring himself and even using porn is fine. Blood flow to the clitoris and vagina decreases, and the clitoris shrinks. Add to that some other longstanding unresolved low sex drive and relationship problems caused by their mate (me) in the past, and strict un_affectionate anti_sex parents in her upbringing. I was already starting to think that I was a man born in a womans body!!! If there's no intimacy in your marriage from your wife and you've realized that she may be suffering through mental health issues, Bonobology's panel of experienced therapists can help guide your partner through this turbulent time, and perhaps re-establish the harmonious relationship you yearn for. In the end, she doesnt want it and I have stopped caring. She would reluctantly use lubrication when I complained and promised to find a solution. Her duty? To me, hes practicing classic avoidance and he simply closes up emotionally. I feel I am supportive, helpful, etc but know Im not perfect. Problem or seek medical help. Hormonal changes, which can start as early as your 20s, can also be root causes of low sex drive. This went on for years. Without this love, there isn't much for the relationship to stand on. I was active outside a few times with permission, after 7 years of zero sex, and was not having problems engaging in it, but that had to stop when I tried to help a person I was seeing was caught. We might as well bring up the time tested alternative. A pill? It is not fair that I have to take care of it by myself! I have suffered from sexual dysfunction ever since I started having sex at 15 back in the mid 1970s. I do not want to out her to the family as they all adore her. The Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health published a study that found low levels of self-esteem harmed a womans sexual functions. But I do like your advice, dont waste time with them and take whatever you can get now. They learn to accept the situation and carry on with life. She tricked me, I fell in love, we have 4 grown awesome me, the model relationship in our large family. Marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, coupled with a sea of hormonal changes at different stages of life, can make a woman gain weight and send her self-esteem nosediving. 10 years of this and going on5 years since last try, dont sleep in same be, snoring medical issues up down. She even said to me that I should leave if I am not happy, she prefers that I do not, but basically what she is saying is that if I want to stay, this is the way its going to be. 3. Yeah. Isnt it such a shame that Bob here, says he masturbates 3x a week and Im sitting here daydreaming what it would feel like to have it again after years that my husband just cant. But if he cared for me a hug would be nice. Hopefully, you now know just what to work on, with the help of the reasons why your wife never initiates physical contact. This can be difficult since, statistically, couples are not as willing to talk about sexual matters the same way they would other conflicts, such as children or finances. 19. Then if you still have to, decide. He thinks that his low testosterone is the cause of his actions or lack of. She started losing interest when our children were youngshed be OK with sex once or twice a month, and only when she was in the mood. Great but no sex at 69. I ruled our marriage & family and still do. Yes! Ive just seen this ,not sure when posted .ive tried so hard to get wife to have sex .she says menopause.then I gave up.but other we I had a beer and told her how I felt .silly beer a..so she been trying to start sex but my body has closed down to her .im worried ive turned off to her mentally.I do love her but shes noticed im not getting aroused like I used too .and now shes saying I prefer porn, but its how ive got by for so long.its really .mested up.im 53sorry. There are many reasons. We just share our acerage, her in the house and I have a place with my dettached out building. Back issues and menopause have completely removed my interest in sex. That leaves us with so many perverts running around today inept at forming a real relationship, fantasy is in sadly. I am 64 and met a 75 widower for 13 years whom exercises, takes a natural supplement to help with blood flow, and takes occasional viagra. Now, I just want to be wanted by her. Well, its clearly only getting worse. Focusing on her pleasure will make her banish any thought that my wife never wants to have sex.. Living alone would reduce frustration of a non-response. there is NO physical connection PLUS no sex. So my question to the men here. Ohh my! If divorce is not an option then get involved outside the home. Haha it isnt always easy but I try to focus where we are in life. Ive read where most men think the woman should spice up their sex lives to keep the man from cheating and those kind of men are lazy. I love my wife dearly after 52 years and great grandchildren I would have my junk removed before I hurt my family and our long marriage is a point of great pride and example for these people God allowed us to have in our lives. Unfortunately I dont, as it seems were merely friends but certainly not lovers! Be gentle and calm when you bring it up. No way you are real!!! Instead, tell her how much you love being intimate with her, not only because it feels great but because it makes you feel more connected to her. Ive no where to go. The LW sounds like a loving and considerate husband. I am beginning to think that we are supposed to get old. When you choose not to accept/care/act on it year after year, our desire disappears. At least between us. Equality sounds great in principle people should be equal, right? Shame on all you women who have men that are committed and loving to you!! Then tell them what your plans are or not, but do not put your sexual and intimacy needs on hold the rest of your life because it is the sign you love someone. I understand. Believe me when I say that she has really tried and every time it has turned out badly, I really feel like an ass for going along with the effort the she was making. But after putting off marriage until I was 40 it too became sexless right after the wedding. Is it me or does it seem like sex therapists and experts are lacking, some seem hedonistic? How can I let my wife know how sexy I find her? Im too tired. So Mike, I dont know what to say. What the heck! I will probably need to work into my 70s or as long as I am able. What about the emotional security of being held while you sleep? It is an axiom of mate selection in nature that males display and females choose. It was not measurable in his blood. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? She has to try, and she should want to try for your sake if not hers. She says that its up to me to deal with it however I choose. Discuss it with her: Share this iMOM article with your wife and discuss it: 4 Things You Can Do When Youre Not in the Mood. Spice up your appearance. With so many of us in similar situations, it would be nice if we could just reshuffle the deck, at least in this one area. Be loving. She isnt enthusiastic about that idea. The woman is doing two jobs, especially during the pandemic. If given the opportunity I would be all over inside and outside the house, flirting and not taking my hand off that booty. He said hed think about this. But then she had a full hysterectomy to further reduce her hormone production, and from then on, sex has all but stopped. Nothing before marriage, nothing on our wedding night and little to nothing for the next 46+ years. Hes my best friend, the love of my life, an amazing Dad, my confidant and my everything. But, here we are with 13 grandchildren from the strong marriages of our 9 surviving children. I havent had a BJ for about 20years, my wife wont even touch my penis so a HJ is out of the question too. Limited-Time Deal on Marriage Course. For others that are on the borderline of this happening: Hello Overit, She actually told me that my friend who went through a similar situation was in need of therapy because his wife caught him watching porn. I told him if he didnt want a divorce, he should feel free to find date outside the marriage, and if anything serious developed, we would revisit the divorce option. Take the good with the bad. That was almost 50 years ago, I dont live in he house with her. I wish she would just go away and never come back, shes got just about everything I own. Once the women have these needs fulfilled the sexual desire for the man that gave them all the things they desired goes away. If you have a hunch your wife is dealing with body image issues, gently bring it up with her, and see if there are ways you can support herwithout making it seem like you're critiquing her body or suggesting she needs to change the way she looks. Men you just need to treat her like you used to treat her before you married her every day and she will keep treating you like she did before you married her. Guys. Sorry Mate. Please enable JavaScript to view the comments powered by Disqus. I say bullshit to every man and women experiencing no sex in a relationship if they want it with their partner. They complain that the wife was open to sex anytime anywhere when they were dating but it all changed after kids were born. It may also be helpful for her to speak with her doctor to see if there are other treatment options that might help. Weve never had an argument about it, because Im always careful not to sound like Im accusing her. State your case to your partners. When emotional intimacy dies a slow death in your relationship, its possible that it could signal an affair. Men are not mind readers. Add Cialis if you want solid tree trunk hardness. I love it communicate, tell her how you feel. Subscribe now (do it here) and dont miss a single column. If your wife doesnt feel attractive anymore, she may shy away from undressing in front of you. Especially if you once had a, One reason your wife never initiates affection may be stress related. WFT. I bet you think all men are stupid as well. Ive been humiliated, rejected and told you can have love without sex, because, after all, cripples cant have sex but they still have love. Im affectionate and do everything, but Im tired So I turn to porn and search things that include wife. And thats where I get my relief. She likely doesn't want you to touch her bc whenever you do it leads to an implied intimacy interaction she doesn't want. Im in ok shape, not overweight . Senior Planet subscribers also get The Weekly Orbit, our newsletter with features about personal finance, health and fitness, technology tips, an online book club and more! This is especially true of couples in their 40s and 50s, or those who have been married more than 10-15 years. There is a disconnect, a lack of communication and a lot of arguments. He seems to think (as far as I can surmise) that sex is just a little bit dirty or should only be used for procreation purposes. Im really suffering. I heard my uncles talk about sex like it was something from their youth that has long gone. It has been 5 very long years for me. I did some self searching and recognized that the marriage had been one of convenience and the love wasnt there for me. When a wife who has to cook, clean, take care of the kids, do the laundry, pick the kids up from school and take a couple of classes she is too tired to perform another task after all that she has done in one day. When you first met her you were in an OTHER zone. I love my wife even if we have not had sex for close to 6 years. I understand all the reasons she doesnt want sex except one, if she actually loves me wouldnt there be some effort? Not so in an egalitarian or woman-dominated marriage where she gets what she wants that always ends in dysfunction & misery. Its super annoying if he touches my breasts because I get aroused and then we just cant get it going and then so much unanswered frustration comes. Enjoy your life as my dear friend you only go around once. I am so angry at him too!!! In all likelihood, you went the extra mile to dress up for her, look good, smell good and stay groomed in anticipation of getting some action. with increased relationship satisfaction and heightened orgasm frequency in women. Even too much Viagra can cause things like blindness. He then sits and reads for hours on end. You bet. If you go too directly and/or too soon to her vulva before shes aroused, shell likely just want to withdraw. Should they chew the food and pretend it tastes wonderful? I still plan/need to continue working in a high tech job many hours a week, with excellent insurance, which is fortunate, and there is no way she can drive or work for several decades now. He keeps saying hell do better, but nothing ever happens! Why is a mans focus so connected to his ability to use a womans body to empty the contents of his balls? Discussing the problem is a problem in itself because she simply get very irritated and by it and thats the end of that! If the marriage has made you take your personal hygiene for granted, this lax attitude could be a total turn-off for her. You can gently bring up that you want to keep prioritizing your sex life together so your wife understands how you feel and so you can mutually find ways to work on this part of your lives while still being sensitive to her struggles. I am 79 and my wife is 75 and our sex life is as good as ever. However, whenever one spousewithdraws from the other, there is always a risk of your marriage being almost over. I just dont get it. Around year 3 it was 1x week and that lasted another 5 when it became about 1x a week. If sex is becoming harder, less pleasurable, or more painful to have, it makes sense that a woman may lose interest in having it at all. On the flip side, it could be that your wife suspects you of infidelity and hence has lost her trust in you. The first step is to communicate with your partner about what you think you might be lacking. Its time to change your strategy. 80s, are victims of the same injustice and gender paradigms you are experiencing. I felt like she just gave me away to anyone emotionally and physically. Im basically living a lie until the time is right for us to part ways. If physical intimacy is missing and one partner is complaining about it, you know theres something going on. The lack of interested finally scuttled her interest to find help. My husband and I separated recently. 1. She claims to always be tired anyway. I work hard and have to masturbate sometimes to fall asleep. Just a thought. For a woman, as she ages, she needs time to get into that sexual mindset and anticipation is a great aphrodisiac. 7. Im over 60 and Im learning to accept this is the way life is going to be for the rest of my life. This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features. Grab Now! We had an active sex life and I miss the physical part of our lives. Initially, it probably was mostly about the sex. In other cases, it can also be if youve betrayed her trust in the past. While some of the underlying factors can be weeded out with the right approach and mindset, others can be more damaging to the entire relationship. lol. well, about a year ago she took it upon herself to say no more sex. Sometimes a married woman isn't interested in having sex with her spouse because she's simply not in the mood right now. Figures, right? No love no sex. Its a bummer most times. She wanted me to be sexual with her, but would not reciprocate. She never apologized. I get you have energy for everyone but me. I have 2 nephews, age 6 & 7, from my brother 13 years younger than me. Also add to the equation what is another possibility here: sexual coercion. I feel very bitter about it and although there have been compensations in our marriage- children and now grandchildren I have found her lack of interest difficult to cope with. Peter: she wouldnt interest you shes like me now old, cranky, take pills and fat. What played in husband mind is that the wife do not care, do not want to have relationship, intimacy etc. The good news is: there are plenty of ways to banish problems in the bedroom and rekindle the fire with your wife. I set up a Revenge cheat. I refuse to live out my life not feeling special. Here is the rub though. He is suffering from a mental health issue. Talk to your wife about the lack of intimacy, 11 Lovely Ways To Date Your Spouse Spice Up YourMarriage, 200 Newlywed Game Questions For That Instant Bonding, 45 Questions To Ask Your Husband For A Heart-To-Heart Conversation, Why Is Marriage Important? So Im frustrated as hell, but I love her and wont cheat on her no matter what. Drugs and orgasm. What men want is for her to have some of that drive back. Womens inherent nesting instinct naturally shifts their focus to family and kids, and this may, in turn, affect the mind space she can allocate to you and sexual desires. Hi Monica, You ladies need to get hip on new Sex Play & Sex Toys, My wife of 1yr,(she is 73) ( Im 77) We were having sex every nite & 3 times on weekendsand it all came to a STOP about a month ago. If it were just about sex, I wouldve left a long time ago. Without going into details - I am 100% certain that it was satisfying for both of us. It works for him. Ed if your still out there I have the same view as you do on the phone and web. If you are tired of initiating intimacy and your wife doesnt want sex anymore, it may be time to consider marriage counseling. This really sucks. Life is definitely funny. I am sorry I stayed, but life, illness, dementia parents and a son kept me in this sexless marriage. 7 years no sex!!! Yeah, maybe not, eh . My husband became disabled and had to quit his job. I have not had an affair because, well, thats just not me. Maybe, she knows of your infidelity, but hasnt spoken about it? If the husband happens to be insensitive, it ruins the relationship. Maybe when she met you she saw a very rich lifestyle that has not panned out. You are absolutely right, foreplay is an ongoing and wonderful thing, but for most women, after menopause, and the estrogen dries up, sex becomes too painful because of the dryness. Cheating is easy and you deserve it . Tired of initiating intimacy? Obviously, if a person is feeling low and theyre feeling depressed, theyre not going to want to interact with others, theyre going to want to isolate themselves. My father and grandfather were active sexually(we discussed) into their late 70s. . Then we got married and had kids (not that I regret) but 20 years of pulling teeth juts to get touched or even desired really hurts. She may be experiencing depression or a lack of self-confidence, or maybe she feels like shes failing at this parenting thing. i feel for you my spouse stopped being interested in sex 20 years ago at my age 51,for many years we had some extrem arguments and are still having them,,, to no avail what do you do. Well said my friend. Get a better paying job so she doesnt have to work her butt off. My wife and I have been married 20 years. After chemo and radiation, they put her on hormone suppression drugs, which reduced her libido a lot. That last sentence got my attention. I offered my husband a quick and easy as possible divorce. I hope this is helpful to someone. Leah 09. If you notice your wife acting awkward or becoming extremely tense when you try to touch her, it means she is not liking the fact that you are being physical. /** Sounds to me like youve picking your men from the bar. But this past 6 months I see things slipping and I feel we are not getting that closeness and are becoming more distant even though we do many things together. Does your wife feel seen and heard in the relationship, or is she never in the mood because she usually feels overlooked? My wife sleeps through most of this so I try to keep quiet and let her sleep. For the months it was possible, I felt like a real man again, and much stronger at home and work. Then, I got a highly aggressive, estrogen- fired breast cancer. My son is in an open marriage (I know this because he and his wife talk about it openly) and it opened my eyes to the reality that it is unrealistic to expect one person to be able to satisfy all of your sexual needs. I just had to click on this to see how times have changed. If you have always been the one to initiate intimacy in your relationship, take a step back and tell her how sexy you think it would be for her to be the one to reach out. She cut me off completely about 10 years ago and refuses to even talk about sex when I try to bring it up. And Ive been caught too. And one factor is being a caregiver. I am retired on social security, having spent my entire returment funds on an expensive divorce and a protracted hospital stay and heart and brain surgeries. Some could be related to body image issues, prior sexual sin, or abuse. We may as well sleep in separate beds at this point. The wife does not want to start sex and me asking her OVER and OVER and OVER got to her and her rejections and excuses got to me felt like there is always some excuse. Just get out Stan. I really miss the intimacy we used to have when we were sexual. Therapy will help you identify the issues underlying the lack of sex, teach you how to communicate more effectively, give you strategies for regaining your intimacy if shes willing, and tools for coping if shes not, and offer you the boost you need to work on your relationship. Thats a depressing thought too. Have you considered opening your relationship or swinging together? She needs you to see the world from her eyes and to understand her perspective. Women arent suitable for long term monogamy.
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